


Never Again

by AlexandriaArlene



Series: Love Like this [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt, Feels, Heartache, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love, M/M, Pain, Romance, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 19:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3622347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexandriaArlene/pseuds/AlexandriaArlene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Falling in love and not being loved back is one thing but falling in love and watching the one person that you love most be hurt places an idea that I will never let that happen again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Again

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is the first in a four part series. Each one is going to be a one shot and they can all be read by themselves. Thank you for reading.

*Start Story*

Words have such a powerful impact on someone and can change them forever. Words have more power than most things in the world because it is words that have the power to change someone. To make them see the light in your heart. To make them look down into your soul. To make you see that not everything is what it once was. To make them see what is deep inside your heart.

The rain had been falling down hitting my face. So hard as my white hair became drenched and pinned to my face. I looked at Orochimaru as he was standing across from me. We weren’t really talking and the silence grew more and more by the minute. Tsunade had been in the tent where we set up camp. I sat down on a nearby log because there wasn’t really a point because the rain was going to keep on coming and there wasn’t anything that I could do about that. Apart of me wished that I could make the rain stop but that had been a pointless wish.

“I love you.” The words coming out as a whisper so soft and so meaningful. The words that broke this never ending silence. It was three words that I had never imagined coming from Orochimaru’s mouth. Three words I hadn’t imagined him to say to me nonetheless. Hearing those words made my heart skip a beat and the realization that I hadn’t known how I felt. I knew that he was my teammate and that I cared about him. I didn’t know what to say because the shock had been something that I had thought about. I couldn’t hurt him so I knew I had to think carefully about my next words. 

“I don’t know how I feel.” I replied. I hadn’t and I knew Orochimaru would feel upset but it was true. I couldn’t tell him that I loved him to when I hadn’t even known if I had. I didn’t want to lead him on if I wasn’t sure. I also couldn’t tell him that I didn’t feel the same way because I didn’t know if that had been true either. I looked at Orochimaru and saw that he didn’t know what to say. He also knew that he couldn’t walk away because that would be something he hadn’t been ready for. He hadn’t been ready to give up on me.

“Oh.” Orochimaru could only say oh. I hadn’t been upset because he knew that it wasn’t that I was trying to spare his feelings. I was trying to think about how I felt and that was the truth. I think Orochimaru had been happier with that answer than me getting angry or saying that I hadn’t felt the same way about him. That I hadn’t shared those kinds of feeling towards him. 

“Can I tell you how I feel when this mission is over?” I spoke quietly. I wanted him to know that this wasn’t a yes or a no. I often think about if I would have just told him then and there that I was in love with him to if things would have turned out different or better somehow. Orochimaru nodded and I could tell that he had though that it would be a no. I guess I did know how I felt but in that moment I didn’t know how to say the words back. I didn’t know how to open my heart to someone else. I didn’t know that something could be as powerful as three words could make you see something else. 

I watched as he had walked into his tent and I stood out there a little longer trying to reflect on how I felt. I was trying to figure out if I truly did love him. I needed to know for a fact because I cared more about him than I had myself and I needed to know for sure if I could carry out a relationship with him. I didn’t want him to get hurt but in the end I think that we both got hurt. I think that in the end I couldn’t save him and he couldn’t say he loved me after that. 

*~*~*~*~

After the mission in the hidden village in the rain I had been injured badly. I hadn’t been okay to speak the way that I had been feeling. I hadn’t even been able to open my eyes. I could hear the people that came in and out of my room. I couldn’t let anyone know what was going on in my head.

I had been alone in that moment. I felt like someone who couldn’t find their way out of a maze. Sometimes I thought that I was screaming but it didn’t matter I still couldn’t get anyone to hear me. It was like sometimes I would stand next to them asking questions and those questions could never be answered. It was like my questions of why they couldn’t hear me that hurt me. I watched everyone that I loved suffered as they watched what I was going through. I saw the look in their eyes as each day passed and they believed that I wasn’t going to wake up. No one would even hear my voice. I knew I was hooked up to an IV hearing my heart beat and at least that had been stable. It made me wonder if someone could kill me because that had seemed better than being stuck in my own body.

“Jiraya, please wake up. Don’t let that man get the best of you. Please come back.” Orochimaru said as he sobbed. He just wanted me to wake up even if it wasn’t to him but I wanted to go back to him. I felt like I couldn’t open my eyes as much as I tried. I just wanted to tell him that I felt the same way about him but I couldn’t.

“Orochimaru, think this through. You don’t want to desert Jiraya. You’re hear every chance you get hoping that he will wake up. You love him. I know that you do.” Tsunade told him. I heard it to. I wasn’t sure what she had been talking about. I hadn’t known what exactly what she was saying but I was pretty sure. Her voice had sounded so pleading and that had not been what Tsunade was like. She got angry before she started pleading.

“I’m doing this because I love Jiraya. I’m doing this because I will never let anyone ever hurt the people that I love ever again. Never again will I let someone I love be like this. Never again will I watch someone be stuck in their own body and be able to do nothing about it.” Orochimaru responded. I could hear the sadness in his voice and all I wanted to do everything to get back to him and stop him from doing whatever he was planning.

“So you want me to let you do this when Jiraya would never let you do it himself.” Tsunade yelled at him. She altered pleading with him to anger because it was really the only thing that seemed to ever work with Orochimaru. 

“Yes because Jiraya isn’t here right now and he can’t stop me. Not when I know that this is the only way that I will ever be able to keep him safe.” Orochimaru exclaimed calmly and walked out the door. All I could hear was Tsundae’s sobs of feeling like she had just lost us both. I wanted to wake up because I wanted to stop Orochimaru in doing whatever he was planning. I wanted to tell Tsunade that she hasn’t lost everyone that she loves.

It felt like days kept passing and nights kept going and I still hadn’t found a way to wake up and go back to the people that I loved. I couldn’t find a way it was like I was caged in my own head. It was like I would never come out of it. It wasn’t until one morning I felt the sun hit my eye lids. The heat was unbearable and then I opened my eyes. I felt so lost when I woke up because of the white walls and the fact that the last time that I had seen the light of day had been months ago.

It was about 20 minutes later after I felt so weak and uncomfortable is when Tsunade came in. The colors of the room had been white as I looked around the room. I saw the sun and the grass outside. I wanted to get out of bed. I heard the door open as I removed the covers of my bed and was trying to move up to swing my legs over the bed. I was failing miserably.

“Jiraya, what are you doing?” Tsunade said in surprise. I turned my attention to her. She had been the same. She was wearing the same green clothes and it had been nice to have actually seen her and know that she could hear me.

“I need to go and find Orochimaru. I have to tell him something.” I replied. I saw the smile fade from her face. I watched as she looked down at the ground and I knew that something wasn’t right.

“What’s wrong?” I asked after watching her in silent. I wanted to know what was going on and I didn’t want her to refrain from telling me.

“Jiraya, Orochimaru is a rogue ninja. After your injury he felt that he needed power to make sure that he would never let anyone that he care about ever be hurt like this ever again.” Tsunade replied as she was on the verge of tears. I couldn’t let her see me get angry or sad. I couldn’t remember the moment that I had fallen for Orochimaru but after all the time I had to reflect while I was in a coma I knew for a fact that I was in love with him. This didn’t change anything it just made loving him so much harder. I felt like my heart was being ripped up and thrown away.

“Tsunade please leave I need to be alone.” I responded. She nodded and walked out of the room. I let my anger overwhelm me and I slammed and swiped everything off the table. I let the tears fall down my face. I had lost the one person that I had loved the most. I had lost him because he thought that the only way to stop things like this was to go rogue. I fell to the ground and touched the broken vase of the one standing on that table and felt as it cut me. It hadn’t added to my pain because I don’t think that I had ever felt anything more painful than what I was feeling in that moment.

“Didn’t you go after him?” Naruto asked after I’d been done explaining why Orochimaru was the way that he was. I did go after him but it had been too late and it hadn’t been enough it was just a little too late to have made any sort of difference.

“Yes but I didn’t try hard enough and that is why you can’t give up on Sasuke. You can’t give on him like I gave up on Orochimaru. You can’t stop fighting not when you know that you care about Sasuke.” Jiraya replied. Naruto understood and knew that he couldn’t ever give up. He needed to save Sasuke from revenge even if the only way of doing that was to help him. I will always love Orochimaru. I will always wonder what could have been. I will always wish that I could have saved him from this path that he went down. I will always want it to be him rather than being with the next woman that walks my way. I wish that it was him I got to hold at night but if the next woman I see makes the pain go away even for a little bit than I will chase her. I will be with her because this pain hasn’t gone away even after years of this I still love Orochimaru.


End file.
